EVIL ALIENS (2005)

SCIENTIFIC FACT LEARNED: There is still much to be learned from anal probes, like where do bad movies come from?

THE CARD:

Humpin'-humpin' humans, mystical Turdoliths, E.C. The Extra-Chesticle, a crucified Heckle or Jeckle, a death scene inspired by Fred Phelps, the Phantasm balls on vacation, my Worthless Personal Assistant's infantile sex fantasy, England’s Debbie Rochon, the biggest alien harvest since the Bush Administration, and Exhibit A in the Sam Raimi infringement lawsuit.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

A couple of Welsh hayseeds are spending a romantic evening in the middle of a field. Cat (Jennifer Evans) and Angelo (Eden Ford) then start doing things to each other normally reserved for sheep in this part of the world. Unbeknownst to them, they diddling in the middle of a strange Stonehenge-like rock formation that holds Earth energies that aliens periodically siphon for their CGI saucers. But this particular evening, however, these aliens aren’t interested in a pump ‘n run, but rather exploring Angelo’s anus with a Black and Decker and plopping a gooey Troll doll into Cat’s lower intestine. The incident catches the attention of UFO TV show host Michelle Fox (Emily Booth), conspiracy nerd Gavin (Jamie Honeybourne), a dorky TV crew, a fey stage actor to portray the alien, some slut (no-names), and Fox’s pendulous breasts (Lefty and Squeezy). The gang travels to the countryside to interview Cat and her weirdo brothers about the abduction and the sudden appearance of mutilated livestock and crop circles. It doesn’t take too long for the bloodcurdling wackiness to begin as evidence (crucified crows, dismembered moo-cows, spooge-splattered walls) quickly surfaces that indicates the aliens are about to attack. Oh, and they are eeeevil, and they have not come in peace and nor will they leave in pieces. Cat explodes and transforms into a killer alien, the homo actor is impaled with a scarecrow post, hordes of aliens in cheap helmets and Kmart costumes attack the farm, and a raucous bloodpack-exploding battle ensues. As the survivors try to escape the area, Gavin gets some alien lady action, Fox gets impregnated, and the cameraman doof and the slut mow down the aliens with a wheat harvester and a Weedwhacker. And despite their interstellar technology, the aliens have no weapons, can move no faster than a Romero zombie, and possess the farsightedness of a plastered lemming. But the aliens aren’t going to lie down just yet, and it will be up to one man to stop the onslaught before they take over the world. And that man is me as I vicariously stretch my finger towards the “EJECT” button.

THE FINISHER:

I walked away from this movie with several questions buzzing around my brain. First, how does one go about meeting women with large breasts, splatter them with mud and fake blood, and profit? Second, why do Brits hate the Welsh so much? Third, how much gooey gore, MTV-like editing without the intellectual insight and face-palming stupidity can I stand? And lastly, when I realize the answer is “a lot”, why do I hate myself so much?

I am not sure where to start with Evil Aliens. I could say it’s like Evil Dead, but with aliens. Or I could say it's like Night of the Living Dead, but with aliens. Or I could say it’s like Undead, but with (different) aliens. Or I could say it’s like Alien, but with crappy aliens. Or I could just say that it’s a goofy, low-brow, gory, silly little Sci-Fi/horror movie made by gorehounds from merry ol’England. Like a lot of low-budget movies I have seen this past year, good or bad, I can plainly see the energy and effort it took to bring this thing to life. And you can take effort into account or toss it aside when you evaluate the movie yourself. But any quality of intention doesn’t make it good. The CGI isn’t horrible for a project like this in fact it’s probably better than most Hollywood productions. And, hell, it’s funny and frickin’ rude in parts. But is it worth the effort? I would submit an undeniable, “um, yeah”. If you want to turn your brain off and chuckle with your pals, go for it. If you want to see something and come away with enlightenment, then I would ask you first, why are you considering something titled Evil Aliens? And second, why are you reading Planet Tremendo?*

*But I’m glad you are! Kiss, kiss!