DANCE OF THE DEAD (2008)

ZOMBIE MOVIE SURVIAL TIP: Better make friends with that loud gun-obsessed former Army assassin crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat high school P.E. Coach down the block. You know, just in case.

THE CARD:

Undead growing pains; saved by the death bell; Zombie Kermit’s revenge; punk’s not undead; someone spiked the punch with corpse reanimation; Final Exam of the Living Dead; salvation by shitty music; and thank Sweet Zombie Jesus it’s not Twilight.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Cosa High School is filled with teenagers sharing the distressing experiences of the wondrous and traumatic time called adolescence. They are average high school types, from the beauty queens and cheerleaders, to the heavy metal guys and the chess geeks, to the poor kids and children of the privileged. You know – sarcastic assholes. Jimmy (Jared Kusnitz) is a geeky cool dork who’s just been dumped by his do-gooder girlfriend Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick) the day before Prom Night. Jimmy’s being forced to work his crappy pizza delivery job while Lindsey makes a date with Jimmy’s rival. Meanwhile, Jimmy’s nerdy pal Steven (Chandler Darby) pops a tent for cheerleader Gwen (Carissa Capobianco) who’s crushing for obnoxiously named rocker Nash Rambler (Blair Redford). Throw in Jimmy’s other poindexter pals trying to get laid; a lecherous science teacher; a jaded cemetery worker; an alcoholic principal, a badass gun-toting gym Coach (Mark Oliver), and half-the town’s cemetery inhabitants reawakened as voracious zombies after being contaminated by radioactive sludge from the nearby nuclear power plant and you have the makings of an epic set in a Sweet Valley in the Shadow of Death High. And no one will fucking sparkle.

THE FINISHER:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hormone and sugar-filled teenagers make great killers. And we have ten years of tragic headlines to attest to that. So they make natural candidates to fend off the impending starved multitudes of the living dead that are waiting to pounce upon us. Friends, when the shit goes down, don’t run to the local police station or armory. Learn the fastest route to your local high, middle, and elementary schools. When you get there, make sure the little rugrats are armed and ready to start bulls-eying zombie skulls. Goddamn Playstation better have prepared them for this! Anyway, Dance of the Dead is a nifty little teen horror-comedy that borrows much of the spirit of its 80s ancestors while tossing together some modern gore effects, teen angst, and high school wackiness. Most of the blood y effects looked practical with little to no evidence of CGI which was a heartwarming welcome back. Also the zombie types referred to the classic Return of the Living Dead where reanimated corpses crawled, dug and oozed their way out of graves to ravage the living. The film delivers a lot of action and fast-paced chuckles while obviously operating on a low budget. But fortunately, the makers are not skimpy on the gore and the laughs are expertly delivered without being excessively campy. And it’s not without nice touches of characterization, specifically the fate of Steven and his unrequited love Gwen. That was a very nice scene and worthy of a wormy tear down a decaying cheekbone. Also worthy of note is Oliver as the hyperactive commando Coach Keel who kicks in his share of laughs and zombie destroying action. The movie is yet another example of how zombie movies are now fully relegated to the category of comedy, further diluting the former ferocious fear of zombies that's now replaced by playing upon viewers' insatiable lust of desecrating human bodies for guffaws. Fortunately, Dance of the Dead is harmless hilarious fun which beckons the days when you used fantasize about mowing down your classmates only so that they could reanimate so that you could mow them again.

Or was that just me?

ZOMBIELAND (2009)

ZOMBIE MOVIE SURVIVAL TIP: No sarcastic zombie survival tips from a masked film geek can top the sarcastic zombie survival tips of a virgin WoW-playing nerd.

THE CARD:

The Dead People vs. Larry Flynt; Deceased Roger Dodger; Little Miss Dawn of the Dead; Superbad Zombie Killstress; the disappointing absence of George Wendt; and possibly the greatest zombie movie cameo since the deaf Amish guy.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Geeky teen Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) has managed to survive the apocalypse of the undead that has laid waste to the world. Creating a valuable list of survival tips gleaned from video games, internet searches, and Mountain Dew-fueled common sense, Columbus ventures out in the world he’s only viewed from the window of his loser loner apartment, a world now infested with the ravenous undead. But despite his plucky lucky streak avoiding becoming a zombie’s stringy morsel, Columbus is desperately lonely. After a series of encounters with zombies that demonstrate his helpful list, he runs into Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a fearless and irritating yahoo with a vicious and multi-faceted talent of dispatching zombies. The pair hit the road, Columbus in search of his parents and Tallahassee in search of an elusive Twinkie. They eventually run into trouble-making sisters Wichita (Emma Stone) and youngster Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) who steal their truck and weapons, laughing their way towards the West Coast where they believe lies a zombie-free haven on the grounds of amusement park Pacific Playland. The guys and the gals then play a cat-and-mouse game on the eerily deserted highways of the Undead States of America, but despite their trust issues the sisters allow Columbus and Tallahassee to ride along with them in search of elusive safety. Along the way Columbus’ survival tips are tested, zombies are wildly and gorily trounced by Tallahassee, Columbus and Wichita get sweet on one another, Little Rock learns to cope in a Hannah Montana-less land, and this small band of survivors learns to bond and rely on each other. When they finally make it to California, they share an encounter that will not be spoiled here because of its complete HILARITY, but suffice to say that more than just salvation, make-out sessions, and 80s movies await them on the rollercoasters, thrill rides, and spookhouses of Zombieland.

THE FINISHER:

Film historian Thomas Schatz formulated a series of stages that film genres undergo over time, practice, and distribution. Although Schatz’s theory has rigorously been analyzed and deconstructed over the years, I use them to illustrate a point about where we are in terms of the evolution of the zombie movie. The first stage is the “classical period” where the groundwork and “rules” are laid out for the genre (Night of the Living Dead). The next stage is “refinement” where the rules are test and often broken to allow the genre to evolve (Return of the Living Dead). And lastly there is the “baroque” or “generic hybridization” period in which genre practitioners self-consciously parody the genre or combine it with elements of other genres. With the zombie-comedy-parody Zombieland, I firmly believe we are now in the late stages of the zombie baroque period which I predict the genre will be unable to recover for a long time. Zombies are now funny-scary, like the dopey horror clown or a ridiculous SyFy Original CGI monster, and are no longer scary-scary. For me, the essence of horror at the heart of the zombie genre – like the apocalyptic thriller – is the breakdown of civilization, the loss of common rationality and sense of community (which often feels like it’s hanging by thread anyway), and the idea that the living are far more terrifying than anything the undead can conjure. The other source of pure horror is the conceit of the dead have coming back to life, a concept that strikes at the very core of Judeo-Christian beliefs that threaten to unravel thousands of years of indoctrination. That said, Zombieland, a hysterical comedy that tears the horror away from the genre like a rampaging zombie, may very well mark the end of zombie horror, but not zombie comedy. Taking its cue from 2004’s Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland revels in frenzied and gory slapstick against a backdrop of a romantic comedy with a sensitive theme of family and trust at its center. The movie amiably balances gore and slapstick with a fast-pace and hilarious turn by Woody Harrelson who could easily shape up to become the next Bruce Campbell if such a thing could even be conceived. Fortunately, the movie does not get complicated by the generic traps of the genre and tempting homages and references to prior works. Here, the focus is on the characters and their adventure together to an imaginary freedom from a globe of goopy ghouls. Zombieland is quality popcorn-munching entertainment, another landmark in the zombie genre which I can only hope will be scary again.

DEAD SNOW (2009)

ZOMBIE MOVIE SURVIAL TIP: During a zombie attack, do not hide in the outdoor shitter, for the undead are not persnickety.

THE CARD:

Wacky Norwegians and their wacky land of Norwegia; good ol’ fashioned outhouse humping; the most creative use of a snowmobile and slimy intestines, snow thrills and snow kills; and Nazi zombies not hired by Newscorp.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Eight young Norwegian medical students head out to the mountains for a weekend of ice-fishing, mullet-wine chugging, sitting around looking sad, and death metal listening. Or whatever the hell they do for fun up there. And of course, their remote cabin is located in bucolic icy splendor in the middle of nowhere with few amenities and no cell phone reception. You know, Norway. Our gang is comprised of Martin (Vegar Hoel) who ironically gets sickened by the sight of blood, his claustrophobic girlfriend Hanna (Charlotte Frogner), handsome adrenaline junkie Vegard (Lasse Valdal), horny fjord fucker Roy (Stig Frode Henriksen), movie nerd and mandatory fat guy Erlend (Jeppe Laursen), hot for fatty Chris (Jenny Skavlan), and the only looker in the bunch Liv (Evy Kasseth Røsten). They party it up and frolic in the snow while waiting for Vegard’s girlfriend Sara (Ane Dahl Torp) who has decided to hike to the cabin rather than drive. Big mistake as she becomes Nazi zombie fodder. Said SS of the Undead are the remnants of a troop of vicious Nazis that once controlled an outpost in this section of Norway in the last days of World War II. We learn this from Creepy Old Guy (Bjorn Sundquist) who shows up at the cabin to warum up and to rile the nerves of the rowdy kids. The Nazis were led by the uber-sadistic Colonel Herzog (Orjan Gamst) who pillaged and tortured the residents before pissing off into the woods after an uprising at the close of the war. For some unknown reason, Herzog and his men have been re-animated by some unexplained force and attack anyone who ventures into the mountain. So Creepy Old Guy gets disemboweled like der weinerschnitzel and our friends are faced with an unstoppable menace that require more than Simon Weisenthal, Captain America, and a box of Star of David ninja stars to stop.

THE FINISHER:

Loving or hating Norwegian horror pic Dead Snow doesn’t require a whole lot of energy. If you do not like gore, comedy, the trappings of zombie plots, and high-spirited horror references, then don’t bother. If you love the above plus you don’t give a crap about your mental health, then Dead Snow comes wholeheartedly recommended. Finally, someone took the initiative to come up with a Nazi zombie movie, a villainous concept that’s been referred to in earlier attempts such as The Keep (yeah, I know they weren’t zombies) but never fully fleshed out in zombie movie format as we know it today*. Although not a new hallmark in the zombie genre, the movie is nonetheless hysterical, blood-drenched, and a twisted homage to American horror films that have obviously shaped writer/director Tommy Wirkola. It’s also a lot of fun, so take that for what it’s worth. There are a couple of things that came up in the movie that irk me, but not just about this film. Irksome things come up in every new zombie movie I see, whether it’s a big-budget extravaganza or low-budget homemade fare. Be warned that these are probably nerdy nitpicks. One thing in particular is the strength of zombies. Horror fans argue about fast rampaging zombies over the slow stumbling zombies. This is an argument that I've gotten over. If the story, acting, scares, and gore are good, then I’m up for anything. What concerns me more is how powerful the zombies are portrayed. In Dead Snow, they crush a guy’s head like it’s a freshly boiled egg, yet they are unable to smash through a simple wooden building or a barely hinged outhouse. Dumb. Thing number two is how quickly “normal” characters transform into chainsaw-wielding deadshot warriors after only a few tangles with the hungry undead. This instantaneous character turn is actually a problem with most horror and action movies, but it’s most prevalent in zombie movies. I like to call this “Ash Disease”, a nod to Bruce Campbell’s character in the Evil Dead movies, whose instant-badass turn was actually a novel turn of genius, but overused since. Thing number three isn’t really a problem but a realization that 99% of zombie movies, with very few exceptions, are actually comedies. What other horror sub-genre allows you to completely enjoy the desecration of a human body with unfettered glee? In slashers, we cringe and scream. In torture films, we shudder and look away. In monster movies, we howl and gasp. But in zombie movies we laugh our bloodthirsty asses off. It’ll take more than a review of Dead Snow, a pleasurable, clever and frenzied zombie movie, to fully analyze this fantasy phenomenon that I’m sure other academicians of horror have already covered.

*If I’m wrong, please send me some titles!

BONE SICKNESS (2004)

ZOMBIE MOVIE SURVIVAL TIP: When cleaning up the goopy gore of the undead, better call the Shamwow Guy.

THE CARD:

One man’s video camera, plus a pleasing amount of nudity, a generous helping of bloody mayhem, a copious amount of gooey do-it-yourself gore, and a complete lack of plot, story, or coherence.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

Dude, I picked up this DVD with this sick cover over at Video Hut that looks like this dude shot in his backyard and so it starts when this real ugly dude is like sick and stuff - something to do with his bones, I think - and his totally hot wife wants to help him, you know, but like he gets totally worse and then starts puking nasty shit like his whole body, his whole fucking skeleton, but like this other dude, some buddy of the sick dude who’s a mortician or whatever gets this green junk that’s supposed to, like, fix the bone disease of the puking dude but instead he turns into a zombie or something, and there’s more puking, then all these other zombies start coming out of the ground and start killing people in this old house where this SWAT team gets totally fucked by the zombies and then ..oh yeah…there’s some boobies, actually some really nice ones, dude, Beaver Hunt quality my friend…and so …what was I talking about…oh yeah…there’s like this lame-oh scene where another bone sick dude takes a bath and I’m like, dude I don’t wanna see your wang, you sick zombie fuck…so then there like all this gore and guts and shit and guys or demons in Halloween costumes like totally ruling over the alive people who are not zombies and then well… some other stuff happens, and then well I forget…man, it’s due tomorrow.

Boobs.

THE FINISHER:

Similar in budget and scoop to previously reviewed Night of the Dead, Bone Sickness is another example of the output by aspiring moviemakers grabbing their DV cameras and glutting the zombie movie market with micro budget gushers. Although this movie has the feel of a labor of love, its patchwork structure disjoints any sense of coherency and the story jumps around from one-room gross out, to zombie apocalypse, to a supernatural demonic war of epic proportions and may induce migraines for those who may have high expectations. But why would you? The acting is just plain hideous and woefully amateurish and the movie can’t exceed its home video feel. But you know what? I liked it. As an occasional lover of mindless gore this movie was a treat, so long as you don’t think too hard about the specifics of the undead goings-on. The makers of Bone Sickness are obvious fans of horror and their enthusiasm is at times infectious. If you can easily forgive such fare for lacking the basics of cinematic storytelling in exchange for high-octane homemade gore, then Bone Sickness is your best bet for bad movie night.

Dude.

PANDORUM (2009)

ZOMBIE MOVIE SURVIAL TIP: If left with a member of the Quaid family as your leader in the apocalypse of the undead, please make sure it’s not Randy.

THE CARD:

A Sleepy-Head General Hawk; Salvation By Glowstick; Divining Ridley Scott; A Peek Into A Space-Pooper; Space Zombies that aren’t Space Zombies; The Real Paul Anderson; and Al Gore’s Outer Space-Horror Told Ya So.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

In the not-too-distant future, many, many Sundays A.D., there was a guy named Bower (Ben Foster), not too different from you or me. Well, except that he’s an astronaut who’s been in hyper-sleep aboard a gigantic spacecraft which is headed towards a distant planet that can be inhabited by the members of the crew. Said crew is the last remnants of a dying Earth which has been destroyed by war, disease, and global smarm. Bower is awakened by an unknown force and possesses no recollection of his role or destination, and he discovers he has lost contact with his fellow crew members. He finds who he recognizes as his commanding officer Payton (Dennis Quaid) who’s equally suffering the effects of amnesia. Unable to contact anyone aboard the ship, Payton sends Bower to find his way through a dark claustrophobic labyrinth of vents to get to the central power core of the ship in the hopes of restarting it. Unfortunately, Bower stumbles upon empty halls and rooms, half-eaten corpses, and nightmarish fast-moving flesh-eating creatures which have infested the ship. He meets up with a cute survivor space-mutant killer Nadia (Antje Traue) who has been awake for a while and is fighting for her life against these seemingly undead monsters. As they make their way to the ship’s generator, they fight off the zombie-like creatures who may be the reanimated corpses of the crew who did not survive the hyper-sleep. Alongside the pair are Mayan-speaking badass Manh (Cung Le) and slimly motor oil chef Leland (Eddie Rouse). Meanwhile, Payton encounters another survivor (Cam Gigandet) who might be suffering the effects of “Pandorum,” the deep space equivalent of cabin fever that turns astronauts into violent psychopaths who may or may not crap in their Depends. As Bower heads towards the generator and Payton deals with a potentially dangerous passenger, the pair peel off layers of the awful truth that lies at the core of the ship, its purpose, and its true destination which may be an empty hellish void from which nothing, not even a Quaid, can escape.

THE FINISHER:

Though not a traditional zombie movie, space horror movie Pandorum does possess elements of the genre that make it a somewhat effective scarefest: rampaging flesh-hungry creatures (provided by Stan Winston Studio), a survivalist-fueled plotline, and your typical “folly of man” subtext. Although some reviews has aligned the film with the space horror of 1997’s Event Horizon (directed by Paul W.S. Anderson who produced this pic) which explored space madness and the extra-supernatural terror of the cosmos, Pandorum has more in common with space chiller Dead Space: Downfall (even though it’s animated) with respect to abundance of gore, the ferocity of the creatures, and the production design. But it’s not without its problems. Director Christian Alvart displays a capable style and aesthetic, especially in regards to the near-choking claustrophobic atmosphere he’s able to convey, but it’s in the area of character development that the film falters to maintain interest throughout. This is also a problem with Anderson’s films as a director as well, but his frenetic pace and action set pieces make up for most of that lack. But then again I’m a Paul W.S. Anderson defender and apologist. Alvart deftly crafts a very uncomfortable settings and sense of tension, but without caring for the characters (although Foster, a superb and weighty performer who should be bigger than he is, does the best with what he’s given) all this work is for nothing. Also worthy of note is Gigandet who is intense as the psychotic crew member who serves as the twist at the end of the film. Unfortunately, the movie starts to crumble in the third act when the secret of the origin of the creatures is sort of cast aside for a predictable ending lost in a jumble of fast-cut action sequences. Pandorum would require more effort to argue as qualifying as a zombie movie, but as a piece of sci-fi horror with its share of twists, turns, and atmosphere it’s probably worth a watch in a field of very few effective, although not fully realized, outer-space horror films.