TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see brain splatter.
Away from the window I ran like hell,
When Santa tore open my belly and forever I fell.

THE CARD:

Christmas the 25th; Nightmare on Santa Claus Lane; Harry Reems: Airplane Pilot; the amazing teleporting killer Santa; an X-mas porn without the stuffing; and the last bad slasher on the left.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

One night during X-mas at the Calvin Finishing School For Girls, a terrible accident occurred: a movie lighting crew member forgot the turn on the lights on, and a skinny white girl who was being chased by her hazing sorority sisters fell to her death. Unfortunately, two X-mases later the same lighting crew member still hasn't turned the lights on and apparently a slasher movie of some sort occurred. From what I heard (and not saw), a group of girls stays at the expensive boarding school over the holiday vacation and when they invite a group of boys to stay over, drink, hump, and be obnoxious, a Santa-clad killer begins picking them off one by one. Or so I'm told as I COULD NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON! Anyway, after a dimly lit massacre, timid Nancy (Jennifer Runyon, you know the cute “psychic” girl at the beginning of Ghostbusters) is the last one to confront the tinseled terror of our unknown assailant, who may or may not have a link to the girl who fell because the FREAKING LIGHTS WERE TURNED OFF. Could the killer be Crazy Bible-Quoting Janitor? The Mustachioed Pilot/Manservant? The Cannoli-baking Jewish Broad? The Ghost of the Girl in the Dark? Jason Vorhees Gone A'Caroling? The Guy Who Forgot To Turn on the Lights? Meh, who cares. Maybe our murderous St. Nick should have gone after Con Edison.

THE FINISHER:

As a rather seasoned horror fan, one of the most embarrassing things I have to admit is the fact that I am not too familiar with David Hess, the infamous star of the gruesome Last House On The Left. It's just one of those movies I haven't had the chance to watch, even though his performance in the movie is notorious in the annals of horrific thespians. And so my first exposure to Mr. Hess (aside from his bit part in Swamp Thing) is his directorial debut, the Santa slasher To All A Goodnight. Unfortunately, this forgotten and unavailable on DVD 80s slasher is not much of a debut. This is the second school break-related slasher I've seen so far (besides Pranks) and neither can hold a candle to the seminal and classic 1975 Bob Clark-directed masterwork Black Christmas, of which this one weakly recalls with ample borrowing from Friday the 13th in plot points and effects. Yes, Virginia, there are some Santa kills, a little sleaze, and nudity. But it's all half-heartedly executed, especially the naked parts which play out like watching your little sister take a bath. Ewww. You'd like to expect some unintentional hilarity and camp value in these low budget slashers, but this damn thing is so despairing and DIMLY LIT (did I mention that yet?) that there's not much to enjoy, mock, or SEE besides maybe one good bikini shot. Boring, slow, and bleak, To All a Goodnight is, much like last Christmas at your Auntie's apartment that always smells like feet, better off left a forgotten X-mas nightmare.