EVILS OF THE NIGHT (1985)

THE CARD:

Karrie Emerson, Bridget Holloman, David Hawk, G.T. Taylor, Amber Lynn, Jerry Butler, Crystal Breeze, Neville Brand, Aldo Ray, Tina Louise, John Carradine, Julie Newmar, and more Hollywood fossils than the La Brea Tar Pits.  

More details here. 

THE ANGLE:

A team of aliens consisting of Dr. Kozmar (Carradine), Dr. Zarma (Newmar), and Cora (Louise) travels to Earth in stock footage from Battlestar Galactica and takes over a community hospital to suck the blood and other bodily fluids from unsuspecting teens on vacation at a nearby lake.

A Dream Team of a cast, if your dreams are very sad.

Apparently, the aliens require the essences of the horny kids to sustain their immortal life.  They enlist the aid of two gruesome aging mechanics Kurt (Brand) and Fred (Ray) to kidnap and hold the kids hostage in their garage.

Brand and Ray have seen better days, but only slightly better.

But the kids fight back, the satanic mechanics bite the dust, the aliens leave… and … that’s pretty much it.  Seriously.  To fill out today’s review, here’s some random pics with my wacky comments.

This blog needs more hits, so here's some obligatory cheesecake.

Where's a teen-devouring lily pad when you need one?

Not the best chest-hair removal system, but it works.

 

Everyone wanted to bonk Ginger back on the island.

Well, when you're out of cinder blocks...

THE FINISHER:

I was first made aware of 1985’s Evils of the Night by stumbling across its poster on eBay during an indulgent evening of movie poster shopping.  I was kinda mesmerized.  I mean look at it:

How could you not love this weirdness?  From the cartoonishly sexualized victim and her pointy and potentially harmful lady parts to the goofy bony arms holding her down to the bizarre floating skeletons in medical smocks sucking her blood and – sweet lord – the frickin’ MILLENIUM FALCON hovering above this glorious mess.  TAKE MY MONEY!!!

So when I finally found this movie I couldn’t wait to see how all this madness stuffed in a 27” by 41” frame would play out.  And it played out just as expected.  It’s pretty bad.  But not all bad. 

We get teens doing the sexy bordering on hardcore thanks to the participation of actual porn stars Crystal Breeze, Amber Lynn, and skinflick doughboy Jerry Butler.  The other teens utter robotic lines like “Alright, let’s get high” and “Oh man this is nice” and play punny pranks on each other in a hellish extended Juicy Fruit commercial.  Carradine is in Classic Final Years Carradine mode, barely coherent and struggling with the fake but impressive science talk.  Classy 60s sexpots Newmar and Louise briefly class up the joint but sadly are long past their prime.  Brand and Ray look on the verge of homelessness and terminal illness.  The soundtrack is cheesy 80s pop-synth manna from heaven and includes the track “Boys Will be Boys” by Kanga, a seeming ode to locker room talk, date rape, and white guys in tighty whiteys.  Chopping Mall co-star Emerson is set up as the final girl but is ditched for a weird non-ending where the aliens, um, just leave.  She is nonetheless convincing, lovely to watch, and the stand-out of all involved.  So can I recommend it for your Halloween marathon?  Sure.  It’s a solid point and gasp teen romp from an era long gone which you can chuckle along with your smartass friends.