THE CARD:
Nia Bonet, John Carradine, Yvonne De Carlo, Brother Theodore, Anthony Hamilton, lots of sheer polyester, a soundtrack Disco Stu would boogie to, and all the mise-en-scene of a snuff film.
WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW
THE ANGLE:
Dracula's granddaughter Nocturna (Bonet) feasts only on the blood of men, making dating even more a hassle than normal. Luckily the voluptuous dark beauty never goes to bed hungry.
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| "Eye vant to emasculate you!" |
She has grown accustomed to a perpetual single life, going from man to man and neck to neck for the past few centuries. One day, she begins to reconsider remaining an immortal vampire when she meets disco bassist Jimmy (Hamilton). This guy:
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| Dennis Cole looking MFer. |
Seeking a way to turn mortal for some baffling reason, she consults with her legendary grandfather, the Lord of the Undead himself Dracula (Carradine), who has definitely seen better days/nights.
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| Behold: GRAMPIRE! |
He's very upset to hear that his granddaughter wants to shack up (coffin up?) with this platinum bass-playing doof. Also quite maddeningly annoyed is Drac's lovelorn Renfield-esque assistant Theodore (Theodore) who has been constantly rejected by her and appears constantly aroused.
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| "That's some sweet undead hinder!" |
Defying her grandfather's wishes, she leaves Transylvania and runs away with Jimmy. But first some nudity.
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| New: Sleeping God Cthulhu Shampoo Dispenser! |
They travel to New York, where Jimmy has some gigs and treats Nocturna to the bright lights and best sights of the city.
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| "Don't worry, baby, we can stay with my buds Bert and Ernie." |
Drac and Theodore follow Nocturna to the city where she has holed up with relative and fellow vampire Jugulia Vein (De Carlo).
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| Oh Lily... |
Meanwhile Nocturna walks around Times Square, meets enlightening New Yorkers worthy of a Travis Bickle garden hosing, and dances like a loon whenever a disco song is played, which apparently is ALL THE TIME.
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| "Oh Jimmy, you take me to all the finest abandoned warehouses." |
But all's well that ends well when Drac confronts Nocturna and is somehow convinced to take a dirty nap with his old squeeze Jugulia and release Nocturna from her bloody curse. Or was she?
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| "Tee hee, bloodsuckers!" |
THE FINISHER:
I may be cheating the #31DaysOfHalloween by including 1979’s Nocturna in this year’s line-up, as it’s anything but a horror movie, a comedy, a horror comedy, or even a goddamn movie. Produced and financed by Nocturna herself, the curvaceous French-Vietnamese actress Nia Bonet, it’s basically a Love at First Bite wannabe, a string of disco videos (there are like more than half-a-dozen disco songs fully played out), and basically a nudie vanity project. Aiming for Vampira or Elvira-level stardom, Bonet is a natural beauty, no doubt, but the poor woman simply could not act, has no charisma, and drools out important lines of narrative discourse like “Hi, I am Dracula’s granddaughter”, “It’s time for church bath”, and “Oh, another fucking disco song, sure why not?” with zero conviction. My copy of the film, which I bought from a bootleg video joint at some horror convention years ago and has since collected dust on my shelf, was extraordinarily out of focus and dimly lit, and would thus not be helpful for that horror completist pervert in your life or that is your life. De Carlo (sadly) and Carradine (badly) both phone in obvious quick paycheck roles though at times they appear completely committed to the cheapo goings-on. But it’s New York performance artist and legendary Late Night with David Letterman guest Brother Theodore who steals the show, imbuing each of his scenes with his patented goofball menace. He’s possibly the sole reason you should seek this out at all. Unless you really really really like disco music.
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