THE CARD:
Eric Bittencourt, Olga Klimentyeva, Tyler Emerson Crim, Kriss Dozal, Sebastien Charmant, a warehouse somewhere in Van Nuys, Bautista Demon, and professional brother Eric Roberts.
More details here.
WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW
THE ANGLE:
A cheeseball Dracula TV horror host guy dude (Roberts) presents a live online reality show in which random young contestants must survive 24 hours in a room where a mass murder of similar young people was committed by a demon that emerged from an ancient statue that looks particularly turdy.
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| Fresh from the Haunted Cursed Relic aisle at K-Mart. |
Dracula will award $100,000 to the contestant who makes it through the night while a pay-per-view audience of millions watches on at $24.00 a pop.
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| "Velcome to Bad Movie Night." |
The contestants range from bookish latina Rose (Dozal), nerdy tech entrepreneur Johnny (Bittencourt), wannabe country singer and lout Toby (Crim), sultry Euro model Gothia (Klimentyeva), aspiring pretentious filmmaker Mr. Jones (Charmant), and Central Casting final girl Judy (McIntyre). While none of them truly believe the demon murder story, they decide not to tempt fate and just make it through the night as best they can. Spoiling their strategy is the aggressively stupid Toby who decides to hump the cursed statue.
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| Behold the glorious set design by the Spirit Halloween Store clearance sale. |
Despite objections from his fellow contestants, Toby decides to take his relationship with the statue to third base.
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| Halloweenie Hell |
This despicable act somehow conjures the demon who takes revenge for Toby's Justice Kavanaugh-esque behavior.
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| If you've ever been decapitated by demon in a shack, you might be a redneck. Literally! |
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| "I vant to suck your ... vhiskey." |
The demon fully manifests and begins to off the contestants one by one, leaving only Johnny and Gothia to find a way to defeat it.
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| "I once devoured a soul THIS BIG!" |
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| "How you like me now, sis?!" |
Tech wizard Johnny figures out that that glass tumbler-sized magnets kill demons. Well of course they do!
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| Also serves to wipe memory of this movie as well. |
After receiving mysterious messages from a ghostly voodoo lady who is never explained, Johnny and Gothia contain the demon, setting up a final showdown with their demonic tormentor.
And with our heroes' valiant efforts, the demonic menace is flushed, much like Eric the Drac's paycheck.
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| The demon's final form is genie Sinbad from that alternative universe. |
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| Proudly displaying the filmmaker's message to the audience |
THE FINISHER:
The 2019 #31DaysOfHalloween kicks off in traditional Tremendo Time fashion with an abjectly low budget, nearly unwatchable, logic defying, fiercely pointless, whatever is below butt dumb amateurish cheapo that looks like it was shot in a night – like last night.
Ah, I love this time of year!
Guys, let’s just cut to the chase: it’s bad. Terrible acting that approaches grade school improv, poorly-lit discount production values, and dull stretches of nonsense and time filler. Other than being set at Halloween (I guess?) there’s very little Halloweenyness going on. But the movie does excel in the way it consistently resists explaining anything and vehemently denying any effort at telling a story. You have to respect its defiant stance against entertainment.
And oh, Mr. Eric Roberts. Let’s talk about Eric Roberts. Once a rising star of 80s cinema featured in classics like nail-biting thriller Runaway Train and gangster sleeper Pope of Greenwich Village, Roberts has been a movie and TV mainstay with over 500 credits appearing in everything from NBC’s Heroes, to The Expendables, to music videos, to The Dark Knight, to reality show fare Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Displaying rugged good looks and a hewn intensity, Roberts seemed like he was destined for mega movie stardom that sadly never fully materialized. Despite his bouts with drugs, run-ins with the law, or living under the shadow of a mega movie star sibling, Roberts has amassed an amazingly varied range of work and is remains prolific today. Although known for appearing in several low budget direct-to-video titles, I still ponder why the hell would he – in 2014 mind you - do some cheap, low rent tripe like Halloween Hell? My fellow cinema nerds used to call these “phone bill roles”, as in the actor in question went way over their minutes and data and needed to take up some day-playing hack job in a skeevy skid row horror flick. Sadly, Roberts in full Dracula gear slurs his way through a presumably drunken haze feebly grasping at a horrible Bela Lugosi impression. I can only guess that Eric was either calling Mars or the afterlife to have to accept this job.
Next, let’s talk about director Ed Hunt. I first covered Mr. Hunt’s work in The Brain, also not good but features terrific creature effects, but it was his film Plague, a gripping disease epidemic movie, that I remember best and always seemed to be on HBO in the early 80s. Ten-year-old me loved it, but I haven't seen it since so who knows if the man who directed Eric fucking Roberts as a high AF Dracula watching kids get scratched by a $.99 Store demon in a direct to Amazon fucking Prime streamer has matured as an artist.
Finally, let’s talk about…well, I think that’s about all the highlights I could pull from this stinker. If you’re planning to add this to your Halloween night movie marathon, I would put it dead last, perhaps just as your guests are either snoozing after a fun-sized Snickers crash or are clearing the fuck out for the night.
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